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The word perverse has a negative connotation in our language. Are you? It is a swearword, a clear devaluation, synonym for abnormal, sick, abnormal. We use it most often in connection with sexual practices that contradict our personal understanding of loving sex. But where does the transition from normal to perverse actually begin? In the international diagnostic grid of psychotherapy ICD-10, so-called disorders of sexual preference are referred to as perverse or paraphil. These include various object and person-related fetishes, but also behavior triggers with sadistic, masochistic or fictitious role plays. Critics call this grid outdated because it does not distinguish between simple object fetishes or playful submissiveness and criminal cases of hardship such as pedophilia or necrophilia. The WHO also opposes discrimination against people with conspicuous sexual preferences and distinguishes between pathological paraphilia, whose way of life damages other people, and harmless subclinical paraphilia. If the experts do not agree, how can we see through this? And what does that mean in everyday life? Anyone who believes that paraphiliacs are a small exotic group on the margins of society is wrong! The sex researcher Dr. Klaus M. Beier, Director of the Institute for Sexual Sciences and Sexual Medicine at Charit� in Berlin, conducted a representative survey on the subject. Result: Around 50 percent of all men in Germany are conscious or latently paraphil, preferring abnormal stimulus patterns and triggers for sexual fulfillment. Half of the male population! One can only draw a logical conclusion from this: The term perverse belongs in the revision. Who defines the so-called norm? A clear majority in purely mathematical terms. But that does not exist here at all. So which side can claim to be more normal than the other? Or to say it provocatively: Maybe these sexual extremes are the true normality, and the supposed normals simply close their eyes to many sexual varieties of human nature out of fear and insecurity? Now we dont have to dissolve our whole value system. But perhaps it would be a constructive start to talk about sexual diversity rather than perversions in the future.

Perversion is a question of perspective!

Every culture and society has its own view of what is considered perverse. While Mormon men may be married to several women and have children, Muslim wives in some countries are already being stoned for the public unveiling of their shoulders. For the Inuit and some nomadic peoples, the nose is the most intimate part of the body and must only be touched by the life partner, never by strangers. And in some Arab countries it is considered perverse to touch someone with the left hand. In modern Germany, oral and anal sex were still considered perversions, abnormal sexual practices, 40 years ago. Homosexuality was even seen as a psychological disorder that had to be reversed. And anyone who wanted to live out a dominatrix or leather fetish had to flee to the semi-criminal millieu, because such a thing did not have to take place in decent bedrooms. Fortunately, thats over. Is it? The complete freedom to live out almost any bizarre sexual fantasy also raises a lot of questions. The laws offer an objective orientation because they punish paedophilia, necrophilia or sodomy. But what about the numerous allowed variants? Which are normal and which are not? Gay, lesbian, bi? Exhibitionism, voyeurism, fetishism, group sex? Dominate or be dominated? Breeding, bondage, use and let use? According to sex researcher Dr. Klaus M. Beier, a persons sexual preferences develop during adolescence as a result of hormones and then never change again for the rest of his life. They are stored indelibly. This includes three basic information: the choice of the preferred sex (hetero, homo, bi), the age-specific physical characteristics of the sexual partner (childlike, mature, middle-aged) and the preferred sexual stimuli. The sex therapist Dr. Helen Singer Kaplan even goes one step further in her numerous scientific books. She says that sexual preferences develop between the ages of three and five! In this formative phase, children apparently experience erotic feelings consciously for the first time and develop the corresponding individual preferences. Based on 7,000 studies, Dr. Singer Kaplan also concluded that anyone with extreme masochistic or sadistic sex fantasies must have been subjected to physical cruelty as a child. Singer Kaplan describes the process as an escape of the childs mind, out of the violent predicament and into an erotic situation. The development of an S&M inclination here fulfils an emotional protective function, so to speak, for the child. Both theories refute the age-old prejudice that unusual sexual orientations are a conscious choice that can be changed, removed or suppressed at any time! The myth of the married family father, who suddenly wakes up at 45 and realises that he is gay, is also invalidated. Rather, it is the other way round: Some people in their advanced years fall like scales from their eyes that they have so far lived against their true nature. One can only congratulate him on this. Better late than never.

Dealing with perversions in everyday life

As described in Eyes wide shut in beautiful pictures, hidden sexual longings can be discovered, activated and enjoyed at almost any age. They are part of a personality, inseparably connected with the individuality of a person. Unfortunately, some people tend to bow to the pressure of the normal and to suppress their sexual identity into old age as a result of a very conservative or religious upbringing. A highly unhealthy attitude! Those who deny their true nature, be it to fulfil social norms, for fear of discrimination or because they do not want to allow themselves to be perverted, make themselves unhappy. An important step towards sexual self-realization is therefore to break away from the ideas of the environment and not to make ones own well-being dependent on the opinions of others. Friends, family, colleagues - everyone has a right to his personal point of view. But nothing more. No one is entitled to judge or even value sexual fantasies, as long as they themselves are not harmed or injured. Which brings us to the conclusion. Almost every sexual preference, whether perverse or supposedly normal, can be lived out amicably if the partner shares the same wishes. Even in a long-term partnership there is room for something new!

Suppressed fetish can be relieved in VR

If one of them suddenly discovers hidden (or suppressed for a long time) sexual preferences, this can cause a lack of understanding in the marriage bed for the time being, but in the long run it can definitely enliven the partnership. After all, there is nothing better than getting to know your beloved partner even better and more authentically than has been the case so far. The point is not to live out every violent extreme 1:1. Sometimes it is already enough to deal with it in your imagination, to play it through verbally together or to try out a light version. Not everyone who lives out a sexual perversion automatically violates other people or breaks laws. And not everyone shares the commercial ideal of a row house idyll with flower sex in the dark. People are individual. Perhaps this is an all too naive idea, but wouldnt it be nice if the fearful prejudgement of what deviates from the mainstream could develop into a respectful, relaxed life and let live?


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